Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[phelps]

Originally Posted by dyelook

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months:

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him. "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me. 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says "So are we going to tell your husband or what?" ��

Nice one.

[ah rat]

__________`

[dyelook]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.

[OleyOley]

Originally Posted by dyelook

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.

I bet she laughs until all her teeth drop

[Duratop]

The Rumor Spreader

An Alabama pastor addressed his congregation, saying, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the person who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God.”

No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the courage to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up with her head bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

[oxeso]

[SirLance]

Originally Posted by Duratop

The Rumor Spreader

An Alabama pastor addressed his congregation, saying, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the person who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God.”

No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the courage to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up with her head bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

Thanks for nice jokes.

[oxeso]

[dyelook]

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man for his health secrets:

The old man said:

I'll tell you a secret.

I've been married for 75 years.

Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. I've been walking 5 kilometers every day for 75 years!

Everyone asked again: But how come your wife's very healthy as well?

The old man answered:

I'll tell you another secret. She'd been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!

[Bulld0g]

Originally Posted by dyelook

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man for his health secrets:

The old man said:

I'll tell you a secret.

I've been married for 75 years.

Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. I've been walking 5 kilometers every day for 75 years!

Everyone asked again: But how come your wife's very healthy as well?

The old man answered:

I'll tell you another secret. She'd been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!

Thanks for sharing nice joke.

[BernieSanders]

Thanks for sharing all the nice jokes.

[Orange22]

Thanks all for sharing very nice jokes

[hakone]

A Wife came Home early and found her Husband in their Bedroom making love to a very Attractive Young Woman. She was very Upset.

"You are a Disrēspêctful Pīg!"_ she Cried.
"How dare you do this to me – a Faithful Wife, the Mother of your Children! I'm Leaving you. I want a Divorce, NOW!"

The Husband calmly replied, _"Hang on just a Minute Love. At least let me tell you what Happened."

"Fine, go ahead",_ the Wife Sobbed, _"but they will be the last Words you say to me!"

The Husband Began:
"Well, as I was getting into the Car at Work to drive Home, this Young Lady here asked me for a Lift. She looked so Distressed, Helpless and Defenceless that I took Pity on her and let her into the Car."

"She was very Thin, not well Dressed and very Dirty and told me that she hadn't Eaten for Three Days."

"Out of Compassion, I brought her Home and Warmed up the Pizza I made for you last Night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on Weight. The Poor thing Ate it, Ravenously."

"She was Dirty. I suggested she have a Shower. While Showering, I noticed her Clothes were Filthy and Threadbare. I threw them away."

"I gave her the Designer Jeans that you’ve had for a Few Years, but don’t Wear because you say they are too Tight."

"I gave her Underwear, your Anniversary Present from me, which you don’t Wear because you said I don't have Good Taste."

"I gave her the Sexy Blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t Wear just to annoy her.

"I also donated those Boots you bought at an expensive Boutique but don’t Wear because someone at Work has the same Pair."

The Husband Paused, took a quick Breath and continued:
"She was so Grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the Door, she turned to me with Tears in her Eyes and said,

“Please Sir... Do you have anything else that your Wife doesn’t use?"

[DBSBonk]

Originally Posted by hakone

“Please Sir... Do you have anything else that your Wife doesn’t use?"

Can't think of anything except that one

[hakone]

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife,
“Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"